Supporting parents who are grieving a miscarriage:
What you can say:
“I’m sorry about your miscarriage.”
Simple words that mean a lot
“I know how much you wanted this baby.”
Acknowledging that a precious life has been lost
“It’s okay to cry.”
This lets them know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness
“I really don’t know what to say.”
Being honest and letting someone know you are there for them
What you can do:
Send a card or flowers.
This lets them know you are thinking of them and you care.
Do let her talk as much as she needs.
Sharing helps people heal.
Do offer to help with the other children and housework.
This lets her know that you understand that her body has been through a big change and you will help where you can.
Do call and check up regularly for a while and see how things are going.
Grieving takes time and knowing someone cares helps immensely.
What NOT to say:
Do NOT say: “You can always have another.”
They want this baby! And maybe they can’t have another. This comment is often very offhand.
Do NOT say: “Now you have angel looking after you”.
They didn’t want an angel. They want their baby back!
Do NOT say: “It’s for the best”
How? The best is a successful healthy pregnancy!
Do NOT say: “At least you didn’t know your baby!”
Whether the baby was held in the parents arms or their minds, it was real in the hearts of her parents.
Do NOT say: “There must have been something wrong.”
Don’t try to find the “silver lining”.
Do NOT say: “Did you do something you weren’t supposed to do?”
This is not the time for blaming or finding guilt.
Do NOT say: “Have you ever thought of NOT having children?”
That’s just hurtful.
Do NOT say: “Be grateful for the children you have!”
I am, but I still need to mourn the child I lost!
Do NOT say: “It probably won’t happen again”
But it can happen again! So this is no consolation.
Do NOT say: “Be brave; don’t cry”
Do NOT say: “Get on with your life. This isn’t the end of the world!”
Right now it feels like that though.
Do NOT say: “You should be over it be now!”
Why? This is not something you just ‘get over’!
Do NOT say: “You’re young, you’ll get over it”
What does age have to do with pain?
Do NOT say: “Time will heal.”
Time will make the pain easier to bear, yes, but that is no help at the moment.
Do NOT say: “At least it wasn’t older”
This loss still matters and it still HURTS! In general it’s best not to start with “at least” as it can sound as though you are trying to brush off the tragedy.
Do NOT say: “It was Gods will” OR “God wanted him/her with him” OR “God needed another flower in his garden/angel in heaven”…and so on!
Such comments can have the effect of making a parent very angry and bitter with God; which may block a possible source of comfort.